And Im off the wagon....

So its been maybe about a month since I got my ass to the gym. Yep, there I said it. Im not proud but I am proud of the fact that in this entire month that I haven't been going, I haven't gained any weight, but actually lost 2 more pounds. Ive been falling off the wagon about once or twice a week and im very proud to say that during those times i eat what I want, but find myself checking calorie counts and at times rethinking what im about to eat. This seems crazy to me, but I guess thats the right thing to do.

As far as the gym goes, at times I think its a good thing I haven't been to the gym. After the New Year people get CRAZY and magically appear at the gym which results in lines to wait for machines. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT SHIT! So im hoping as I take my happy ass to the gym tomorrow, there are no lines because I will end up walking right back out...

The Holidays are a Dieter's Worst Nightmare!!

I hate Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years... not because of the holiday itself, but because of the amount of food that is always around. I have spent the last 4 weeks avoiding big meals, cookies, and treats and for some reason as soon as I come home for the holidays I can't stop myself. Why? I have no fucking idea!!! It's not even great food, so I dont know lol

Im just hoping I can stay on track since im going to be here for an entire week. And shit, there is a gym in my basement so there should be no excuse!!

Why is that motivation seems to lack when you need it most? Is it because I know this is my "vacation" and I should be relaxing? But since when did relaxing mean, become a couch potato??? I love how I feel when I run, its so freeing and de-stressing but why can't I just run here?? Why can't I get up from my couch??

Holiday + vacation= disaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is exactly what I crave when i'm attempting any sort of diet. How can someone whose favorite food is a cheeseburger, have a successful diet?? I have the good angel and bad angel on my shoulder whispering "eat the cheeseburger"... "don't eat the cheeseburger"... but if I weren't on a diet of course those two little fuckers wouldn't exist, and I wouldn't be so damn tortured!! A little MEMO to my mind: Im trying to lose weight, STOP making me want things I shouldn't be eating!!

To make things worse, the everyday fling I had with my gym has stopped. I haven't been to the gym in 3 days and according to the scale at work, I didn't lose any weight from last week. Fuck. I know I should be happy I didn't gain anything, but I don't understand, I put so much work into my workouts last week, and had a good week of actually eating healthy and nothing gone?? Not even one?? Why did I lose 3 pounds the first week but nothing the second?

Why are my jeans looser? It felt like I lost 5 so far, and there's no way 3 pounds can give me looser jeans.

I just wish I had an app to control myself. No, not my eating, but control my mind and emotions... I know the weight isn't going to drop right away, I know some people can lose 15 or more pounds in a month. But clearly that's not me. I need to stop getting stressed out and just let things happen, but I just can't.

And can it stop fucking snowing like crazy over here??!!! All this snow only adds to my moods...

This was exactly my face when I stepped on the scale yesterday at the gym and actually LOOKED... For a while now I thought i was at 158-159 and I step on the scale and i'm actually 161.5 and that is AFTER I was informed I lost 3 pounds last week.

Starting weight 164 lbs.

Last time I saw a number that big I was 5 months pregnant... not very happy right now.

It's amazing how technology has taken over everything, including a workout session. Who would have imagined the day your phone became your ipod and you used an app to log your workouts and calories burned at the gym, goodbye pen and paper.

There is an app for absolutely everything. If you want to find the calories in ANYTHING there's an app. If you want restaurant menus with calories, there's an app for that. If you want an app to give you strength training exercises you can get it. If everything is at the tip of our fingers, why can't we just commit to working out and losing the weight?

Why does everything need to start on a Monday?

The act of giving birth is a miracle. It amazes me how a tiny person comes into this world and along with them comes an unimaginable amount of love, happiness and an overwhelming amount of fear. This tiny being comes with bottles, diapers, wipes, clothing, blankets, smiles, and for moms like me a traumatizing breastfeeding experience.

This tiny person is the best thing that can ever happen to someone but why is it that "this best thing" brings checking accounts lower, turns your car into the Mom-Mobile, makes your feet go UP in size, gives your stomach tremendous stretch marks, and makes it impossible for new moms like me to lose the baby weight? (I love my little person like no one can ever imagine and I can't picture my life without him!)

My little bundle and I gained 42 pounds during those wonderful 9-10 months, whichever you prefer. Yes, I know, the recommended amount is 25-30 lbs but really, who doesn't give a pregnant woman EVERYTHING she wants??

So here I am 4 months later, with only 15-20 pounds lost (ALL from him, the placenta, and water retention) struggling to lose the last 22lbs PLUS the 15lbs I wanted to lose from before getting pregnant. So 37 POUNDS need to go NOW...

I have no idea exactly how much I weigh because last time I stepped on the scale I was 159 and after this Thanksgiving break i'm afraid to look. My goal weight is 122 but I will be happy at 125, which I was at for a while back in 2007 when I was car less and walked everywhere...

So here's to my first day of 1200 calories and an hour of cardio next to the skinny girl on the treadmill.... it all started today, MONDAY.